Learning to Let Go of your Grief so You Let in Grace

Learning to Let Go of your Grief so You Let in Grace

For those I love, 

For those that love me, 

When I am gone, RELEASE me. Let me go. 

 I have so many things to see & do

I thank you for the LOVE you each have shown but 

Now it’s time I travel alone. 

So grieve awhile for me, if grieve you must, 

Then let your grief be comforted by trust, 

It’s only for awhile we must part, 

So bless the memories and 

Then when you come this way alone, 

I’ll greet you with a smile & Welcome Home. 

I think out of endless many layers upon layers of grief and loss one of the hardest layers of it all and lessons to learn is letting go. Not only letting go but how, when and what to let go. Also how to untangle the messy web of letting go and all that seem so intertwined together. Before I continue this part please hear my heart and my words carefully and know the following t things. Believe you me I know better than most nothing about this is simple or easy. I also know that I as well am learning this lesson and all that I have written on and have included has come right out of my own journey. I’m only sharing what I’ve discovered for myself as I keep traveling my own journey and working through the process of my own grief and loss. I don’t have all the answers, but I do know what I have learned and discovered for myself. 

When defining and thinking on the idea of letting go I’m sure if you have kids of a certain age what could be coming to mind are images of Elsa in the movie Frozen singing ‘Let it Go’. The movie may be onto something but I digress and may revisit that later. Letting go can mean or be defined as a releasing of or being free from something. This can bring to mind a few different images one being a release of a balloon into the air, or like feathers slowly lifting into the air. It could be gently pushing off something to release in the water as it floats away or any other number of things that could represent what it is to release or let go. 

As I continue to travel my own journey I have had some, what I now call firework / aha moments or epiphanies that have had a profound immense impact on me, my life and how I continue to navigate and travel my own journey through this season of grief and loss. First came in late December 0f 2019 and it has been instrumental in all I do, my work and how to navigate my journey. The short story is that  it was the idea of a tree and being able to thrive but yet stay rooted in what I was rooted in. Then more recently I’ve started to give myself time to step back to take time to work on myself, processing my grief, and start the healing process and work through all of this for myself. It was on the most recent instance of doing this I had my second firework epiphany that equaled the impact of the first one in 2019 with the tree and thriving on me, my life and my journey. 

This one involved the thought process of letting go and realization of there being a difference in what we let go of and how to untangle what seems permanently intertwined to the point of being irreversibly interwoven. Also the importance of doing so because of how it can impact us and our journey. Equally what this may mean for us in life depending on if we choose to learn how to start letting go of what is not serving us well in how we navigate through grief and loss. In exploring this thought process and having the new realization for me was immensely and profoundly freeing and healing. 

During this self imposed and needed pause on life to take time for myself I had many, many thoughts and realizations related to letting go. I have found them to be vital and instrumental for me as I will continue to navigate and travel my journey. I want to share them with you so that as you continue to navigate this season and travel your own journey as well you can be equipped and empowered and experience the same sense of being freed and healing as I have. First, I think it is important to say at this point that what we know intellectually or logically and what we feel or experience emotionally do not often match up. In other words our head knowledge and heart knowledge aren’t the same and how each often doesn’t happen at the same time or catch up to each other at the same time. Secondly, you can’t know what you don’t know or practically realize it. On this grief journey I think we each need to have time, space and patience and give much grace with the process and ourselves and will come into new knowledge, understanding when our minds and hearts are able to be open to taking it in and receiving in the timing that is right for each of us on our own journeys. 

Here is what I have learned, now know and realized thus far in my own journey as it relates to learning to let go. We each have to find our own path and way of traveling this journey but maybe you can discover and get some takeaways from what I share  to help you navigate your own journey. The first part of the letting go process for me is realizing there are differences to the layers of letting go. Meaning that in getting to the point of wanting to let go of the sadness, loss, grief, darkness and weight of it all doesn’t equate to having to let go of your person, the memories you and them, the love you shared, their life, and all that goes with this. I believe that becoming knowledgeable and aware about the process of letting go involves the following: a.) there is differences to be recognized in our letting go, b.) you can let go of the grief, loss and all that goes with and not your person and what you shared with them and c.) these two things don’t equate to the same or in doing one you are doing the other is essential, immensely profound, paramount and in navigating through one’s loss and grief. Also this it’s key for our healing, ability for embracing grace and not just surviving but thriving as we continue to travel through this season. 

Although there is much truth and wisdom I would also say this to you as you are navigating your journey. Remember to be kind, gentle and give yourself grace, patience, time and space to not only navigate this journey your own way that is right for you but also at the pace and timing that is right for you. This is a process that cannot be rushed or hurried no matter how much we may wish we could just accelerate this all. Slow and steady wins the race which is equally true if not more so in navigating through our grief and loss. I’ve learned in my own journey that I couldn’t do this any other way, differently, or any faster than I have.  There is no timestamp, end date or expiration date on this. 

Think of it in these ways; when a baby learns to crawl, walk and talk is different for each baby and just as when a child may learn to ride their bike or read. I realize these are very different things, but the point and reality of these examples and how it parallels navigating through our grief is very much the same. We are each unique individuals and so we will have equally unique ways to travel and approach how we navigate our journey through this season and in the rate and timing we work through this process. There are no wrong answers. There is simply finding what is right and best for you and your journey. 

Something else I have come to realize is that I think there are several reasons as to why we may not understand or realize, are unable and are hindered from realizing the truth and wisdom of there being different layers in the letting go process. You may have heard of brain fog in life seasons of like pregnancy, 

new mom fog, or mom of toddlers. Yes these seem women centric examples but

I am in fact a female author and so I know of things that impact women not so much as examples that impact men. But believe you me these other examples ain’t got nothing on grief or widow brain fog. Can I get an amen! 

My point being that at least in my own experience for me after losing my husband my brain, mental space, and my ability to take things in and process was and is way different than what I did before starting my journey through grief and loss. Even though you are trying so incredibly hard to keep your head above water you can only take in small bites sizes of info at a time to process and deal with. No matter how we may try it can’t be done our brains simply won’t allow it. It’s like there is a sign permanently posted to the door of your brain that says, “No not today, this is all too much and I can’t and I won’t.” I think this is the case for a few reasons. I can only speak for myself and what I’ve experienced but for me I know that the point at which I have had have new fireworks mind shifts, revelations and profound epiphanies to shift and help in continuing to navigate through my journey has come at the points in my journey where there were layers being worked through. This allows for more healing to come thus allowing the needle progress to be moved as I continue to travel this journey. Thus, now allowing for more to be processed and taken in because I was able and ready to do so. This will be different and unique for each of us as we are unique individuals who will and must travel this journey the way, manner and timing that is right for you. 

The second aspect that keeps us hindered or blocked from grasping that there are different layers to the process of letting go and starting this in our journey is this. I think that we are scared out of our minds to do so at least I know I was for the longest time. A big reason for this for me was that I felt, thought and believed in my mind this misconception and story I was being told or telling myself. I thought, believed and felt that for the longest time that my grief, sadness, mourning, devastation, crushing heartbreak and heartache, pain and sorrow was directly Intertwined, inner locked and linked together forever and immovable to never be untangled from John my beloved husband, our love, our memories, our love story. Because I had experienced my grief and lostness because he was gone so I wouldn’t have one without the other so there was no way to have these two things irreversibly connected and unlinked.

Thus if I had or would let go of the grief, sadness, mourning, devastation, crushing heartbreak and heartache, pain and sorrow; then that means it was another and more ways that I was losing, lettering of more pieces and saying goodbye to John, my beloved husband and Noah. That for me was more pain, grief, loss and heartbreak and too much to bear and unthinkable. I couldn’t see how these two things could ever become untangled, separated, and unlinked not completely interwoven. When you are walking through the season of grief there is so much overwhelming loss and grief you feel if you are drowning in the sea of it all. So the thought of having to lose and let go of even more than you have already lost of your loved one is unbearable and  impossible to take in, face and deal with. You may feel if you have and that then you just know what little ability you have to keep your head above water will also be gone and evaporate. Thus we can’t and don’t see the differences that there is in the apparent tangled web of layers of our grief and loss. So we are hindered, impeded, prevented from being able to start the process of letting go of the right layers. 

There is a third potential component to why we aren’t able to see the differences that there is in the apparent tangled web of layers of letting go of our grief and loss. I would say and contend that depending on the person you lost, how, why and what circumstances brought you to and caused you to enter into this season of your grief could have and be experiencing many complex emotional components that are hindering you. It can be a myriad of diverse range emotional components that you are or may not be conscious of. This potential lack of emotional awareness and the impact of it may or may not be having on you, how you navigate through your grief and how you heal and embrace grace can be a big factor or have profound and immense influence as to how you continue to travel through your journey. 

It could involve feelings or experiencing anger at your person and or at what is not and never will now or the circumstances of your life now in this season. Maybe you have thought or felt you have a sense of responsibility or obligation for whatever reason either to the person you lost and their memory or for what happened when they died. Maybe these things have caused a sense of guilt over something related to this. It could be you have a sense of loyalty or need to still feel and remain faithful to your person. You may feel if you start to let go you would somehow betray your person. There could be other emotions elements you are feeling, experiencing and wrestling with in your grief. Understand and know that these are all normal, natural and understandable emotional aspects of what it is to walk through and navigate through the season of grief and loss. Moreover, any, either or all these possible emotional elements could be causing, regardless of being aware or unaware, you to feel, think or believe that you can’t let go because you don’t have a right to, deserve to, are ashamed to, are being disloyal or is a betrayal to do so or any other a number of things. 

Here is the thought and reality of the truth of the letting go process. Keep in mind that this is a great emotional concern or issue for sorting out with the experience of fiction of our feelings vs the fact of our faith . Equally this could be what is involved in one of your walks around your walls of Jericho. First these two layers of letting go are not interwoven or so intertwined that they can’t be untangled, separated or unconnected from each other. Secondly letting go of my grief, sadness, mourning, devastation, crushing heartbreak and heartache, pain and sorrow; doesn’t equate to or equal the same as in more ways of losing, letting go  of more pieces and saying goodbye to John, my beloved husband and Noah. 

In reading this you may be sitting there, feeling, thinking or wondering how it can be. I get that and that’s okay and totally understandable. You may not be at that point in your own journey and that’s absolutely and truly fine. This is why it’s okay to be where you are at but also how I know now that these layers of letting go can be in fact untangled, unlocked, separated and no longer intertwined or interwoven. This new knowledge and realization is something we each have to come into our own timing and pace when we are ready to sort it all out on our own journey. However this is what I would like you to hear, know and remind yourself of for the moment. Even if you are not ready or can’t and you are not at the point in your journey just trust when I say it will come and you find your way to this knowledge for yourself, your process and journey. Another thing I have learned through this season of my own loss and grief is that at times it’s simply just enough for the thought of or the hope and glimmer of something being. Whatever I was thinking or feeling or needed to know that whatever that thing was in the moment of my journey of where I’m even if I couldn’t quit that it would be at some point and I could hold on to knowing that it will be so when the time is right for me in my process and journey.. 

I have recently found and discovered that until we start to see in our own time and the way of how to work to start to do so in small easy and steps of untangling, separating out and letting go of what is no longer serving and release it that the deeper, most inner, and the heart of the matter of our grief, pain, heartbreak and suffering cant start to be healed. Of course this is what would have to be right and best for you and we each will do this in our own way. But some examples of doing the small and little steps of letting go and release are journaling about it, writing a letter, listening to music that talks about letting go and releasing, moving some things around in my home where they are still present but more collected and arranged. Together. A shift in my mindset in how I feel and think on these things, my path and my approach in my own journey as I continue to travel through. But please keep in mind these two things. You will have to find your own examples that work, make sense to you and are right for you. Also that as long as it helps with the letting go and releasing of what is no longer serving you, your process and healing then you are moving the needles and accomplishing the goal that will help you to embrace grace and thrive as you are becoming your own beautiful unique butterfly. 

Another immensely essential and key aspect to this process of letting go and releasing what is best for you is that once we each have discovered this truth and realization we also equally recognize what we do with this new knowledge and truth is a choice. Life is all about choices and made up of what we choose or don’t choose equally so this is true in our process of healing and navigating through our grief and loss and is no different. Anytime we come into, realize or discover new knowledge and truth we are then accountable for what we do with it. This means we can keep doing what we were doing before coming into this knowledge and truth or we can take what we have learned and discover and use it in whatever way would be best and serve us. Although true yes this is a bit different because grief and loss is a very different stage, phase and life circumstances that needs and requires special care needing much time, space, grace, kindness, patience and being gentle with yourself. 

The parallel to the choices we have in navigating through our grief loss is this; we can stay as we are in our journey which can feel stuck, broken, damaged, and succumb to it all and drown or we can accept and receive this new knowledge and then ignore and reject the wisdom and truth of it and not change or make progress which doesn’t serve us in this process and journey. The third door we can choose is to accept and receive the knowledge and truth but also let it take effect, have impact. Allowing us to do the work of processing this, start to release and let go so that we can continue to move the needle in how we process, progress and navigate through this season so we can embrace grace, start to heal and continue becoming the beautiful butterfly and thrive in life. But ultimately the choice is yours and yours alone. No one can choose it for you. You get to decide and it’s up to you but know that what you do or don’t choose will impact how you navigate, progress through this season and how you do or don’t heal and whether or not you will just survive or thrive. What will you choose for your journey? What would your loved one want for you and for you to choose your grief or start to embrace grace.

The purpose, reasoning, benefit, and result for you in starting the process of letting go and releasing what doesn’t serve you as you continue to make progress as you navigate through this season is you will be able to learn to embrace grace, heal and thrive. Learning to let go allows for healing, makes space for the next thing and the new chapter. If we don’t choose to do so once having this truth and knowledge then there isn’t space for these things, and we can’t be healed without making room for what is next through letting go and releasing what no longer serves you. There can be no room without letting go for healing and what is meant for you to have life abundantly and come into your promised land of redemption, restoration, redesign, healing, rejuvenation, abundance and thriving in life. What do you want for yourself as you continue to navigate and travel through this season? Do want to stay in desert of grief that has rendered you stuck, broken, damaged, and succumb to it all and drowning or do you want to choose to continue to make progress, navigate through this and move the needle so that you can enter into your promised land of rejuvenation, abundance and thriving in life.Then choose when ready and able to start to let go and release what is not allowing for you to be equipped and empowered to embrace grace, heal and thrive as you continue to travel in life.