The First Year of Grief
Let’s have a truthful and honest conversation about the first year going through loss and grief. There are several things I learned and discovered when I went through the first year of my grief following the loss of my beloved husband. These are the things that I found to be true. The first year of grief is all about the following: getting your head on straight and keeping your head above water. It’s about trying to figure out what just happened, trying to figure out what’s next and how do I do this now. It’s about surviving and making it work in what seems to be the most impossible now new reality. It’s about accepting this new unwanted reality of your new normal and living without your person. It’s about trying not to lose your mind or your sht. It’s about learning how to live your life now. It’s about the hard days that will come with every first and last milestone that will be covered in this year. It’s about learning what you need and what will work for you as you travel this journey. It’s about realizing the blanket statement of ‘I’ve never done this before’ applies to everything.
It’s about getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. It’s getting used to and learning how to breathe again. It’s learning how to be where you never ever thought you would be or wanted to be. It’s learning to be comfortable with this new existence of and /both. It’s never ever again just one thing or one emotion that is attached to things in your existence, life, and reality. It’s learning to be okay with not being okay and knowing it’s okay to not be okay. It’s getting comfortable with the messy, complicated, complex, and the entanglements. It’s coming to terms with your new normal.
Other things that I discovered in my first year of grief are about just surviving and getting your bearings.Your first year is very much you being on autopilot. You may feel numb and be in shock for most of this year. I saw it as a protection of myself until I was able and had the mental and emotional space, ability, and capacity to go through the deep, intense, profound, immense ocean of your grief. Having this protection from the numbness, shock, and being on autopilot allows us to get back on our feet enough to at least be standing so we can start the process of learning how to do all this and take it on. In the first years I learned real quick the absolute, not up for discussion, need for self care. You and I must be and learn to be kind and patient with ourselves. We need to learn to give and have grace for ourselves. This is about how slow and steady gets us through our process and journey. It’s having the foundation you need to have to allow you the ability to build all else that is to come after on this foundation.
The first year of grief is also about realizing there is no magic ribbon that tears in two as you cross the finish line in celebration of the fact that you made it and won the race. Grief is a marathon that spans the distance of your time left on earth as you learn to run your new race and live your new life, and you learn to live again. Unfortunately, our process of grief doesn’t stop when the first year ends. It’s a continual part that is now woven into the fabric of our life’s tapestry. While it becomes a part of your story as it writes itself on to the pages of your life, that doesn’t mean it has been your ending or that your story ends with you grief. Moreover it doesn’t have to define you and be the one thing that you become now. The first year is very much about finding your way back again to you so that you can go from not just surviving but thriving in your life again as you continue to travel your journey in life. .