Your Road Map for Your Journey Ahead Through Grief and Loss
Life is not about finding yourself.
Life is about creating yourself.
~ Lolly Daskal
Since the beginning of this new journey in April 2017, I’ve learned much more than at any other time. I have gained life lessons infused with immensely profound truth and wisdom. I’ve grown in ways as never before and continue to change. I have found myself experiencing things I never thought I would, in places and seasons I never imagined. This new journey through loss and grief is a twisty, turning and ever-changing, fluid path filled with struggle and emotion.
What I have discovered since 2017 is that even though this has been absolutely the most challenging and hardest of the season and door to navigate through on my journey. What has allowed me to make it and keep traveling is what I learned in my earlier years. Much of what I will be taking you through in this conversation is my approach learned as a child having to navigate life with a disability. I had to use the same muscles from life lessons to overcome divorce in 2005. My system, developed from my own experiences, involves 5 keys used to unlock and navigate through the doors in my life, past, present and future. I call it Finding Grace Through Grief and Life.
I came up with this one day in the Spring of 2022 when I was on the phone with my mentor who helps in another area of my work and business. Explaining to her where I felt I was and why, I gave her a little back story about my journey and this is how the conversation went:
Girl, you need to give yourself some grace.
I know but I’m not very good at that.
Except for the last five years, I’ve had to learn to do so while traveling through my grief. I’ve had to work on giving myself more grace.
Then it hit me like another light bulb! This had much the same effect as the conversation with my bestie in late 2019 that gave me all that came from thriving. So then I thought, oh my gosh wait! I just got the most brilliant idea! I should use that for my message and story of How to Find Grace Through Grief and be empowered to go from surviving to thriving in my life’s journey.
Following the death of my beloved husband, I would once again use what I had learned previously to continue in this new path. These lessons infused with much wisdom and truth are found in the steps of G.R.A.C.E. which have proven to be most essential in allowing me to go on. In no way am I saying it’s been a walk in the park. Quite the opposite. In fact, this season of my third D of loss and grief has been absolutely the worst, but I’ve found a way through grace to thrive.
Learning to find grace by using the steps of G.R.A.C.E. found in grief is why I did not drown in this life storm but kept traveling and striving. This challenging journey is definitely a process, a slow and gradual one at best. The key is to keep going. Make your own journey your own way. No one can or should tell you how to travel a road that is yours and yours alone, but I can give guidelines through an instructional manual and road map to help you navigate. Each of these essential steps works together and can be flexible to what is best for you. Your journey is similar yet different and unique to each of us to experience in our own individual way.
I want to lay out for you and take you through my approach learned over a lifetime of traveling my 38DDD journey. I think it is universal no matter what doors you’re trying to navigate through and overcome in life. This is what I call Finding G.R.A.C.E Through Grief and Life, an approach that has most certainly served me well. I will briefly give you the 5 keys here and then a deep dive into each one.
In Finding Grace Through Grief, the first key to help you go from surviving to thriving is the G which represents gaining your grounding in grief. What will hold you steady and give you a firm foundation for this journey? We all need something when those hard times come. For me, it’s my faith alone that always steadies and holds me firm. I became a follower of Christianity and Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior. You may choose another faith, person, friend, relative, power or belief system to keep you strong and to steady you. n these trying times. I have built a solid foundation of support with a combination of kindred spirits, especially my friends on whom I have relied a lot especially over the last several years. Clinging to them while going through loss and grief has sustained me. I would not be here having these empowering conversations of hope and opportunity otherwise.
The R in G.R.A.C.E. represents daring to redesign by redefining and redirecting your course. This is about what we will choose as we navigate this new journey in our lives. Here are two analogies I like to use. First, think of playing a game of cards whether it be Poker, Blackjack or any other game in which you’re dealt a hand. It’s just simply the luck of the draw. You can’t count on getting an Ace of Spades or whatever you need or desire. The goal is to win, and hopefully, you’re a strategic player. That’s what you have control over. Strategy. You don’t have control over what cards you draw, but you do get to decide what you do with them. That’s the way it is with me and my life’s journey and for all of us.
Here’s another way of looking at this. Let’s say you’re hired by someone who commissions you to create a piece of art. The client sets forth the specific theme and medium requirements because he is paying you.so he specifies all the parameters. So you say okay, fine whatever and you get to work. You do get to choose and be in charge of whatever comes on the canvas or whatever you’re sculpting, to be the most brilliant, beautiful piece of work to accomplish the goal of that commission. You do get to control that.
The point in these analogies is that it’s our choice in the sense that we get to control what we do with what we’re given in life. So basically it comes down to each of us choosing either to stay stuck or act. Once I figure it out, I’m going to do the best I can with what I have and find a way to strive to thrive and not just survive. I will never give up, never stop! I’ve always heard the expression, Hold my beer and sit back and watch. I don’t do the word NO very well. If you tell me NO that probably means I’m going to end up doing something just because you told me not to.
The third step is the A in G.R.A.C.E., which is about learning to live in Abundance. This relates to your mindset, your perspective, vision and philosophy. There’s a reason why we believe in mind over matter. It’s a game changer because whatever you put your mind to, you can do. Henry Ford knew, Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right. I strongly believe that this is a huge key to opening up the doors in life and pushing through. Even though in the hard times it is difficult to feel joy and gratitude, you will find the silver linings, rainbows and sunshine after the storm. You just may have to seek a little bit harder. In those moments of choosing your mindset, think, Okay, this really sucks, but I still have a few things to be grateful for. I can choose to focus on the positive, although it’s not easy because we tend to go to the negative. I’m not saying these last six years have been easy. I’ve for sure struggled with working on this. Keeping my mindset in a good, healthy place has probably been my greatest challenge.
Another aspect to Finding Grace Through Grief is that we have crazy amounts of thoughts flying into our brains like birds to a nest. The reformer, Martin Luther, back in the day, like 500 years ago or more; had a great quote that spoke to this very thing and idea. I’m horrible at quoting, quotes. It was this idea that the birds may fly over your head but you don’t have to let the nest in your head. Meaning that you can’t control the thoughts that come into your mind, but you don’t have to let them take hold in your mind. We can choose what we allow to make their nest and claim our mental space and impact your thought process. Therefore your thoughts, your feelings, your actions are your choices alike.
is essential for us to learn how to process and know what to keep. It’s our healthy, positive mindset that empowers us to have opportunities that we may not have had otherwise because we weren’t in the right mindset. Having the right thought process keeps us motivated to hold to the good choices we make. If we’re engaging in toxic self-talk and negative thought processes, we can interrupt them by choosing healthier patterns.
Next in G.R.A.C.E. comes the fourth key, the C for choosing clarity and care over confusion and chaos. This has a lot of components, especially related to grief which comes with and creates a lot of confusion. However, if we have clarity and if we take care of ourselves, we can maintain a healthier, positive mindset that keeps us true to our choices while we’re standing on our firm foundation.
The ideas and discussions about self-care are clouded by misconceptions. It’s not about being selfish. It’s about being willing to see your worth and thus recognize the importance for you to take care of yourself. I don’t know about guys, but women wear so many hats and have so many roles that we’re doing a million things all the time. For example, I’m an author, I’m speaking on podcasts, and I’m working with our amazing ECHO group, more than happy and so grateful that we’re sharing these conversations. I hope to get a TEDx talk and hope to do more speaking and get into coaching. Oh, yes, by the way, I am a legally blind, widowed, solo mama to my two kids. I’m a daughter, an only child and a friend. I’ve been a wife and student. I have church responsibilities. What else do we want to add to the list of the hats I wear and the roles I juggle? I mean, there’s only so much of me.
When reflecting on self-care, I like to think that we are each our own deep well filled to the top. We’re happy to share with our loved ones, take care of them, love them and be there for them. But if we’re only giving out water all the time, what happens when our well runs dry and there’s nothing left to give? We become frazzled, overwhelmed, burned-out, depleted, and useless and yell, I’m done! That’s enough! I can’t do this anymore! The end result is that we’re not able to fulfill what we set out to do for ourselves or for our loved ones.
Then again if we make time for self-care, whatever that looks like, then we can thrive. Self-care is very diversified because we’re unique individuals; what works for one person will not work for another. For me, I can tell you, for a fact, you will not see me run a marathon. The only two times you will see me run is when I’m scared or trying to get across a busy street. I’m not a runner. Maybe on a treadmill. That is not self-care to me. I’m more the Spa type of girl. I enjoy listening to music, journaling, eating some chocolate and maybe sipping a glass of wine while watching Hulu or network tv shows. That’s my self-care, and girlfriend time, too, is a huge part of it.
But that’s the whole point and the beauty of it. You have to find what works for you. Figure out what fills and fuels your soul, what resonates with your spirit, rejuvenates and refreshes you so you can keep doing what you want in life. I’m a huge proponent of self-care, and that to me is what the C of G.R.A.C.E. is, as care brings clarity to your path.
The final step is the E which relates to being essentially equipped for your journey ahead so you can thrive. If you are like me, you love to travel. When preparing for a trip, you need stuff, right? You’re not going to get very far without it. I’m a planner, a super uber planner, y’all. I plan everything to the nth degree! Maybe you’re spontaneous and you choose to wake up one morning and say, I’m gonna throw a dart on the map and go wherever that dart lands or just get out of town and drive and see where the road takes me. I promise you ain’t gonna get very far if you don’t have a car with a gas tank even if it’s just to get to the airport, train station or bus stop. If you don’t drive then a friend to get you there or plan your Uber or Lyft.
When you get there you will want to have somewhere to stay and sleep whether it’s a hotel or Airbnb or a friend’s couch. You better have that in place or you’re maybe staying in your car. Also, you will want and need clothes to wear, food and drink and maybe music or entertainment for the trip among other things. The point is, you need things to travel on a trip or vacation that is just as true as in life in order for us to travel our journey and travel it well so we thrive.
At some point as we journey through life we all need to be equipped, especially if we want to travel well. The right tools and resources will help us thrive. Practicing self-care helps us maintain the good mindset we need to make important choices while standing on our foundation that steadies us during these very crazy times.
These are the five keys that have helped me unlock and navigate through these doors in life and walk through the three D’s of my ‘38DDD’. Along my journey in life I have learned to go from surviving to thriving. Each of these keys work together to give you a guide and road map for your journey. It’s in our grounding and the foundation we build that allows us to know what choices we want and can make. Our mindset helps us stay the course and true to those choices
that are based on our foundation and grounding. Having clarity, not being distracted by and being lost in our confusion and chaos and taking care of ourselves allows us to maintain a balanced, clear focused, centered mindset that keeps true to our choices Then we gather and gain all the tools and things we need to help be ready and equipped for this journey of grief and loss so that we get the care and clarity, to have the mindset and to keep true our choices that are based in our grounding and foundation.
It is in and through using these keys that we can each create and follow an individual road map and instructions, allowing us to travel from drowning and merely surviving to thriving. Now that you know what is involved in Finding G.R.A.C.E. through Grief, are you ready to continue traveling with me, equipped with the power of knowledge, as I guide you to thrive on your own journey?
Here are a few important thoughts I wish to ECHO and leave with you, hoping they resonate as you proceed. If you find yourself seeking answers as you travel through G.R.A.C.E., remember it’s a process, a journey that is uniquely yours and yours alone. No one can tell you how to navigate through this door and travel a road they have not taken. Do what is right for you and your family. Understand and know that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to take your time. Slow and steady is best. There is no time limit or expiration on this process as long as you are making progress and finding your own way as you continue. There is no wrong way. Sometimes your journey may feel lonely, but you don’t have to go it alone. In grief and also in general, be willing to embrace the steps and keys to finding grace as you move forward from surviving to thriving.
Finally, I ECHO to you my strong belief in the mindset to never forget that we all have a story, a message and a voice. We need to make sure we are ECHOing it into the world, because we never know whom we might inspire, empower or help along the way on their own path navigating through their own doors in life. We’re given our journeys for better or for worse, whatever they may be, for a reason, not to be wasted. Something can always be learned, something can be gained.
Let no one silence your voice. Feel comfortable in your ability to share it, feel its power, and ECHO it into the world with the message you are meant to deliver. If you take anything from what I’ve ECHOed, take this: Never give up, especially when ECHOing your message and truth. Live your best life because we get only one and there are no guarantees. But if we choose wisely, through G.R.A.C.E. we navigate through our doors to live our best life and reach the point where we thrive in all things always.