Tips, Tools & Tricks for Your Journey as a Solo/Single Parent
Okay so keep in mind before I dive into this next resource; I don’t have all the answers. I’m still very much figuring out stuff on my own journey. But I can share and offer what I do know and have figured thus far. But truthfully, do any of us really know all the things, or at least some days and times in life it can make us feel like we don’t. But we all know as parents that’s a secret we can’t tell our kids so shhhhh!
My point is that in reality, for better or worse, there is no blueprint, instruction manual or roadmap for any of us in life, when raising kids, when navigating grief and loss and when having to do so with kids. It can leave a person going oh sh!t what now and feeling as if what the crap how in the world I’m going to do this. This is hard enough in life with normal stuff or in parenting but then let’s throw grief and loss into the mix and well let’s see how hard this can be. And why me? But what choice do we have, especially as parents who are navigating this journey of grief and loss.
In all areas of my life throughout life with lifelong disability, divorce and now grief and loss I’ve always had to chart my own path, create a design that worked for me and create a roadmap that made sense for me and my journey. This was very much the case now as a disabled military widow and solo mom of two kids. However I have insight, pearls of wisdom, lessons learned and tips or tools that I have used and have helped me that has basically shaped my own road map that has been created. Hopefully what I share here that comes out of my own experience and journey may help, empower and equip you to navigate this parenting thing in the midst of grief and loss.
I will say this, much of what I’ve done that has served me well in other areas and seasons of my life is the same things that now serve me well after losing my husband. It’s a skill set that works in many circumstances and seasons of life. It’s just a matter of taking what we already know and applying it in new areas and different ways. Yes this sounds easy but rarely is it simple especially related to navigating through parenting especially as parents who are navigating through grief and loss.
I remember and will never forget when I was standing at my front door after opening it to be greeted by the police officers who would inform of the death of my husband, I remember in the moment standing frozen in my doorway in complete and utter disbelief and shock and feel as my life and world had stopped dead in its tracks. I remember like it was yesterday that I was thinking I’m not hearing this and that can’t be and I’m not able to think of much else at all. There weren’t any thoughts in my head except for these two thoughts that stood out. I couldn’t fail my beloved and that I had to honor John, his life and his memory and what we wanted and had planned. This led me to the next thought of doing so that meant that I had to do absolutely any and everything in my power to make sure I did what I had to do for my kids, be there for them and make sure they were okay and I took care of them. My babies are my whole world, heart and everything and they become my whole entire purpose and why for all that I did, have done and still do. I put all my energy and focus on and into my babies as their mom who was now a solo mama. This has been much what I’ve done and will keep doing ever since 2017 and we had to start this new journey.
In starting my new journey of grief/ loss, widowhood, solo parenting I’ve had to figure out much and do many things that I’ve never done before. I feel I have said those words countless times since 2017 and that I could write a book entitled ‘I’ve never done this before’ If at no other time than now if I hadn’t already know this I really and truly discover just how true it is that there is really no blueprint, instructional manual or road map for this life, parenting,, grief/ loss and solo parenting and doing so while navigating grief /loss. However as I have navigated through this new season and journey in my life, starting to figure things out and making my way, doing what has to be done and doing what is right and best for me and my kids as we continue to find our way; I have discovered what has become the pieces to our puzzle and what is has been like my own designed and created road map for me to use to guide me as I do my best to embrace grace, strive to thrive and live our best lives as we continue to travel this journey in our new life together.
As I said I don’t have the answers. Much of this if not all of it I’ve never done before. The truths, knowledge and lessons may be easy but none of this is simple, Very little of this is neat and clean. It can be complicated and messy. I do know what I’ve learned and found that has worked for me and my family. I will share with you what I’ve done/ do that has equipped me, helped and become my own self created/ curated road map to help navigate through this all. These are the lessons I’ve learned and pearls of wisdom that I know to be true without a doubt. These are the pieces of my puzzle and what has guided me through this season and journey that I have and continue to navigate.
Some of the first things I have come to realize on this journey is that it’s okay to not be okay. We don’t have to always have it together and give the appearance or impression that we are living this picturesque and perfect life and that we have it all together all the time. Equally it is true that we don’t have to know everything. I promise you after becoming a mom I learned very quickly just how little I knew. Believe you me this is all the much more the case than it ever was before becoming a solo mama and one who has been helping her babies navigate grief and loss while trying to make it through my own journey in this season.
Some of the most immensely essential lessons that I have learned have been helpful, valuable and key I had already learned from navigating through life with legal blindness. It was just a matter of now understanding how the same lessons would now apply in this new season of grief and loss and what I would have to do as I navigated being a solo mom. First is that I and we must only concern ourselves with doing what is right and best for us, our babies and our families and no one. This is the only thing that matters when it comes to doing and knowing what is best. Trust that no one else’s opinion or voice matters, they do not have to do what you do, live through this and deal with this season in life. Therefore they can’t truly know what is right, best and what you should do. They aren’t in the position to know so they shouldn’t tell you how to do what they know nothing off. I love the expression that says ‘never take advice from someone you won’t trade places with’.
Secondly is that we all need to listen to our inner voice as a guide and our compass that will direct us and help us to know inherently what the next, right and best thing to do is. We as parents know our kids, family and ourselves and what is needed better than anyone else. So trust what you already know and what you are feeling is best for you and yours. I think this becomes exceedingly difficult in season such as grief and loss because with grief and loss comes so many things that can cause and create great mistrust, doubt/ self doubt, insecurity, feelings of or a sense of inadequacy, not being enough, and insufficiency in us, in our abilities and circumstances. But this is why more than ever so many things become paramount like, our faith, trusting what we know what is true, and holding to our beliefs, drowning out other voices in the peanut galleries but also discerning the close and right voices we can seek counsel from and ultimately listening to our inner voice, knowing what is right and true,
Third, these next statements are key and yet can be so challenging to do and afford ourselves these things. Remember I said I could write a book entitled ‘I’ve never done this before’ and this seems to be the theme of life in this season. Everyone should be kind, patient and gentle with themselves and give grace in life and in many instances, seasons and circumstances more than most of us do. But if during no other time than walking and navigating through grief and loss this is never more true that we absolutely should, need and it’s essential to be exponentially more kind, patient, gentle and give yourself time, space and grace more than you may have ever before. The journey of grief and loss is like nothing else you will go through or try to navigate. The impact and ways in which grief affects the individual physically, mentally, psychologically, emotionally, socially, spiritually and in so many and all areas is more than one could ever say, or anticipate and imagine.
Then throw into the mix of this truth and reality the layer of being a parent, with kids, raising kids and having to unexpectedly learn to move into and navigate being now a single / solo parent on top of all else. Life is hard, parenting is hard, grief/loss is hard but the journey of grief/loss thrown into the mix of parenting, doing life, adulting that is a whole other thing, conversation and journey. Being kind, gentle, patient and giving yourself time, space and much grace during this new season is beyond immensely and imperatively essential.
I’ve often thought it really isn’t a choice, it has at times been the only thing to do. I guess I should say at least I’ve wanted to keep my head above water and not feel as if I was drowning and eventually feel like I’m doing more than surviving in navigating. We as parents, especially single or solo parents are only one person and can only do so much. The load can feel so heavy and overwhelming in so many ways for so many reasons. So we must allow ourselves to have time, space for being kind, patient, gentle and give ourselves so much grace. I think it’s the only way we can find our way along this journey as we learn how to navigate our grief and become solo parents.
This leads me to my next important aspect of this resource which is the idea and area of selfcare. This is the answer, or at least part of the answer, to the question you may be asking; how does one be kind, patient, gentle with themselves allowing much grace. For me, I’ve found a huge part of this is self care which can be a whole conversation in and of itself. But for now and for this resource let’s just discuss how it can be helpful for us who are solo/ single parents.
In my experience in navigating my own journey a huge puzzle that has made the difference in whether or not I drowned or kept my head above water simply survived or thrived is self care, self care, and more self care. For more on understanding self care, the importance and value it can have for us and in this journey through grief look at the Self Care resource and read Finding Grace Through Grief part 1, but this is what I want to share with you in this resource.
If you are reading this I’m not sure what your point of view, thoughts are or what your perspective or mindset may or may not be on self care. That being said I would like to share the following things or thoughts and leave with you for your consideration this food for thought regarding and related to self care.Taking time and getting the self care that you need replenishes, rejuvenates and fills your cup or well and so that you can be what you need and what they need you to be. Also, it aids in what helps protect your mental space, health and wellbeing. You are worth it to do self care and to take care of yourself. You, your kids and family deserve the best version of you and it’s the best gift we can give ourselves and as solo parent to our kids and families. Something else for your consideration we must lead by example as parents. Kids watch everything and especially what we do so as solo/ single parents we teach our kids so much in all areas so the practices of self care is no different. Also we are showing them how to live a life that is good, healthy, balanced and what they deserve in living and having the best life. In living our best lives they will learn what that is, the importance and value of doing so and how to do for themselves. Let’s live our best lives and give the best gift to our kids as we continue to travel this journey.
Some other ways that I’ve learned that are helpful to have as tips, tricks and or tools in learning how to navigate through solo/ single parent involve these things. First I would say that equipping yourself in ways that best serve you are essential. This can be in many areas or ways to the point self care is a part of equipping yourself. Also it can be getting what you need in whatever area or way that serves you to navigate through this as a solo/ single parent. That can or may include seeking counseling or therapy among a wide and diverse range of things that can aid in equipping you as you navigate being a solo/ single parent. I know I’m a huge fan of going to counseling and as far as I’m concerned I wouldn’t have made it through or be able to do this if it wasn’t for my incredible counselor/ therapist. I would make the case that in many ways taking cues from your kids is a great way, metric or indicator to know what they may or may not need, especially related to how they are navigating through their own grief and loss thus helping to equip them to help your kids. We can also equip and help to equip our kids by having, cultivating and fostering open communications which helps with understanding, learning and growing that can be a great tool for navigating through all of this.
A final tip or tool I will leave with that is arguably so incredibly vital if not the most immensely vital to you as a solo / single parent is finding, having and being involved in a community or tribe that can come alongside you to help navigate this season and travel this journey with you with encouraging and loving support. I absolutely have no doubt I wouldn’t make it without my amazing and fabulous tribe of friends. Doing or having these tips, tricks and tools as pieces of your puzzle, steps or instructions that formulate your roadmap that is the guide or compass to help you navigate through this journey will be the components to the design you are creating to build your life in this season. These have been invaluable aspects and some of my saving graces as I myself am learning and am still navigating my own journey of solo parenting and thriving in life.