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A Road Mix for the Journey Ahead My Mixx for the Journey Ahead Playlist 1: Be still and know I will be there playlist  Playlist 2: FGTG 🦋💜🦋 play list  Playlist 3: Thriving in life 🌳💜🌳 playlist  Music for Finding Grace Through Grief Big Tent Revival – ‘Two Sets of Jones’  Big Daddy Weave – Redeemed” Casting Crowns – ‘Thrive’  Steven Curtuis Chapman –  ‘Be Still and Know’ Toby Mac – ‘I Just Need You’ Finding Grace Through Grief Playlist  Grounding:  Redeemed & Redesigned:  Abundance:  Care:  Equipped:      There’s Honey in Rock’    Through Grace Thriving in Life:  Thriving in Life Music Mix: 

Tips, Tools & Tricks for Your Journey as a Solo/Single Parent Okay so keep in mind  before I dive into this next resource; I don’t have all the answers. I’m still very much figuring out stuff on my own journey. But I can share and offer what I do know and have figured thus far. But truthfully, do any of us really know all the things, or at least some days and times in life it can make us feel like we don’t. But we all know as parents that’s a secret we can’t tell our kids so shhhhh! My point is that in reality, for better or worse, there is no blueprint, instruction manual or roadmap for any of us in life, when raising kids, when navigating grief and loss and when having to do so with kids. It can leave a person going oh sh!t what now and feeling as if what the crap how in the world I’m going to do this. This is hard enough in life with normal stuff or in parenting but then let’s throw grief and loss into the mix and well let’s see how hard this can be. And why me? But what choice do we have, especially as parents who are navigating this journey of grief and loss.  In all areas of my life throughout life with lifelong disability, divorce and now grief and loss I’ve always had to chart my own path, create a design that worked for me and create a roadmap that made sense for me and my journey. This was very much the case now as a disabled military widow and solo mom of two kids. However I have insight, pearls of wisdom, lessons learned and tips or tools that I have used and have helped me that has basically shaped my own road map that has been created. Hopefully what I share here that comes out of my own experience and journey may help, empower and equip you to navigate this parenting thing in the midst of grief and loss.  I will say this, much of what I’ve done that has served me well in other areas and seasons of my life is the same things that now serve me well after losing my husband. It’s a skill set that works in many circumstances and seasons of life. It’s just a matter of taking what we already know and applying it in new areas and different ways. Yes this sounds easy but rarely is it simple especially related to navigating through parenting especially as parents who are navigating through  grief and loss.  I remember and will never forget when I was standing at my front door after opening it to be greeted by the police officers who would inform of the death of my husband, I remember in the moment standing frozen in my doorway in complete and utter disbelief and shock and feel as my life and world had stopped dead in its tracks. I remember like it was yesterday that I was thinking I’m not hearing this and that can’t be and I’m not able to think of much else at all. There weren’t any thoughts in my head except for these two thoughts that stood out. I couldn’t fail my beloved and that I had to honor John, his life and his memory and what we wanted and had planned. This led me to the next thought of doing so that meant that I had to do absolutely any and everything in my power to make sure I did what I had to do for my kids, be there for them and make sure they were okay and I took care of them. My babies are my whole world, heart and everything and they become my whole entire purpose and why for all that I did, have done and still do. I put all my energy and focus on and into my babies as their mom who was now a solo mama. This has been much what I’ve done and will keep doing ever since 2017 and we had to start this new journey.  In starting my new journey of grief/ loss, widowhood, solo parenting I’ve had to figure out much and do many things that I’ve never done before. I feel I have said those words countless times since 2017 and that I could write a book entitled ‘I’ve never done this before’  If at no other time than now if I hadn’t already know this I really and truly discover just how true it is that there is really no blueprint, instructional manual or road map for this life, parenting,, grief/ loss and solo parenting and doing so while navigating grief /loss. However as I have navigated through this new season and journey in my life, starting to figure things out and making my way, doing what has to be done and doing what is right and best for me and my kids as we continue to find our way; I have discovered what has become the pieces to our puzzle and what is has been like my own designed and created road map for me to use to guide me as I do my best to embrace grace, strive to thrive and live our best lives as we continue to travel this journey in our new life together.  As I said I don’t have the answers. Much of this if not all of it I’ve never done before. The truths, knowledge and lessons may be easy but none of this is simple, Very little of this is neat and clean. It can be complicated and messy. I do know what I’ve learned and found that has worked for me and my family. I will share with you what I’ve done/ do that has equipped me, helped and become my own self created/ curated road map to help navigate through this all. These are the lessons I’ve learned and pearls

Debunking the Many Myths Surrounding Selfcare Considering all the aspects that we have covered so far on self care, let’s now turn our attention to  discussing and contemplating some mindsets that we have related to self care. This may require you to have a shift in your mindset. You may have to change how you view self care and maybe debunk your thoughts you had previously on self care. I would like to propose what might seem like some life hacks going forward relevant to selfcare. The first of the two is the thought or perception that self care is seen by some as either lazy or selfish. I can understand and see why some would feel that way about this topic, but I can tell with great certainty that it’s neither lazy nor selfish.  I would contend that self care is the exact opposite. Moreover, I would agree that not taking time for self care and not doing self care is what is selfish. I will explain why I say what I say that and how I make my case in advocating strongly for self care. First, let’s look at the reason for the perception held by some about self care. For some they hear the word self and the idea of focusing on the self so that they can communicate and indicate to those that this must be a very selfish choice of the person who does self care to be focused on themselves. However, what they fail to see and understand is that those who choose selfcare are only focusing on themselves to protect and help maintain their healthy mental, physical, and spiritual wellness and who they are so they can be the best version of themselves. It’s through doing a few simple things of self care that they will be able to have a continually filled well of nourishing water to provide to others and serve others.  Now to the second point for the naysayer of self care, it’s lazy, well this is my rebuttal to that. If a person works so much or maybe a workaholic to the point of risking being completely being rundown, overloaded, burned out, overwhelmed, stressed out, constantly frazzled, and never stopping to take a breath, a break, and rest to the point of they are not able to function, or manage their lives and be the best version they need to be for those in their life. Then, I ask if that is selfish or selfless? I mean are these patterns good for the individual or those in their lives?  This style of living, choices, habits, or pattern of behavior such as; completely being rundown, overloaded, burnout, overwhelmed, stressed out, constantly frazzled  could possibly lead to a myriad of health concerns, due to stress level, not having time to eat properly, exercise, good diet, or staying fit.  How many times have we known someone and their family that their health issues were tied to their way of living and lifestyle choices?  Yes, there are some things unavoidable due to genetics, but how many might be preventable. So it wouldn’t be worth it if it’s up to us, in our hands, and under control to take a good prescription of a healthy dose of self care to take a break, take a breath, to rest, and ensure our well being and ensure that we are healthy and well for ourselves and those in our lives. Moreover, we are able to still do what we love and what we are called to do because we run on a well that is not depleted, risk running dry, but prepared will have a good, healthy flowing supply of water and nourishment. I ask you which u do you consider to be the selfish choice not doing self care or filling the prescription of taking time for self care.  I think a huge part of the equation for most people regarding self care is that they feel they can’t stop and take time away for themselves. They fear if they do the world will come crashing down around them if they do something for themselves. When they do take time for themselves they feel guilty for doing so. At the other end of the spectrum of how we feel or action related to self care, I think more so in the case with women, when we put off for so long over years of neglecting or ignoring or pushing down our needs, wants and desires we finally one day wake up and say screw it. I’m done and I’m not doing this any more. I had enough, it’s my turn. When any of us find ourselves in that position we can find ourselves at risk for equally not good outcomes for not choosing selfcare.  I say let’s change this equation and mindset we have around selfcare. I say let’s make a shift in our mindset. What if instead of worrying or feeling guilty for doing something for ourselves what if we flip the script and narrative that we have been writing and telling ourselves on the choice of selfcare. What if we wrote this new narrative and script that said that self care is good, healthy, needed, and okay to do and not to feel guilty? Let’s write a new narrative that says I give myself permission to take care of myself and do self care without a dose of guilt.  I think there is another facet to this discussion that a lot of us contend with is the idea of our self worth. I think for some we don’t do things for ourselves because we don’t think of ourselves as worthy or worthwhile so what does it matter. We aren’t important so our needs don’t matter, aren’t important and so oftentimes takes a backseat to others. What if we practice the narrative of when I do self care I’m choosing to say my needs are important too and it’s okay. I’m choosing to

The Purpose and Goal of Selfcare Self care is the vaccine and or antidote for the overwhelmed, frazzled, imbalanced, burned out, burning more ends than there are of the proverbial candlestick. Self care is the life line to pull us into shore when you and I may be at risk of drowning in the chaos of life. This is the purpose of self care: to cure what ails so many of us in life. In my own journey through loss and grief I have, like no other time in my life, had to make my selfcare a priority and essential part of my daily/weekly, schedule, routine, and life on this journey. I’ve learned this to keep me from drowning. My ability to not just survive but thrive and make it daily and continue to travel this journey is directly impacted by taking time and doing my self care. I promise you, even though it may not seem or feel like it, unfortunately, those dirty dishes, the pile of laundry, the work project, the endless list to do isn’t going anywhere. It all will still be here patiently waiting for you and your attention once you have given yourself a break, time to breath, reset, calibrate, center, focus, and balance yourself.  You will actually get more done and be more productive and efficient if you come at it with a new set of rested eyes and a refreshed mind that has more space now for focusing and being productive. You will feel and do better. You will serve your own goals, needs, and others in your life better. Being five plus years in this journey I would have long ago lost my mind and sh!t if I hadn’t been doing self care and meeting my needs for my well being and thus the well being of my babies and our babies by giving them the best version of me. I owe myself and them that. They’re worth it and so am I! I am all they’ve got so they deserve the very best and so do I. My babies and our family is a huge part of my why, purpose, and foundation. I want to strive to thrive for me and our family as we continue to travel this journey. Taking care of me through the ‘C” of G.R.A.C.E. is vital and essential for me being and living my best life and thriving.

Defining the Selfless Act of Selfcare The solution is found in the definition, notion, and action of self care. Let’s first look at how to define this notion of self care. In its most basic form it means care of the self or oneself and or the needs of the self. This is the most broad and wide net to use to define something which can include anything that allows for you to ensure you are caring for yourself and your needs. One could have many questions surrounding this notion. A good place to start is to look at self care on a more specific level and the various aspects of this discussion. We have defined it in a broad sense and terms, but now lets define it in a more practical sense and matter and applicable to each of us.  Yes, self care is caring for you and your needs. But what does that mean? What does that look like? How does one go about doing that? This may be a bit of a challenge for some of you because this answer is a yes/no type answer. What I mean is I can define and show you what it is and how to do self care. But I can’t tell you how to do your own selfcare. Hold on before you get totally annoyed by that. Each and every one of us is an individual with individual likes, needs, interests, and personalities. So self care is going to look and vary from person to person. What is self care for some isn’t other ideas of self care and vice versa. We are all unique and different individuals so what we see and do for self care is going to be different and unique to each and every one of us. The point is that Self Care is essential and we each need to develop habits of doing self care work for each of us and in each of our lives for  taking time to do self care in our lives for ourselves and our loved ones.  

Learning to Let Go of your Grief so You Let in Grace For those I love,  For those that love me,  When I am gone, RELEASE me. Let me go.   I have so many things to see & do I thank you for the LOVE you each have shown but  Now it’s time I travel alone.  So grieve awhile for me, if grieve you must,  Then let your grief be comforted by trust,  It’s only for awhile we must part,  So bless the memories and  Then when you come this way alone,  I’ll greet you with a smile & Welcome Home.  I think out of endless many layers upon layers of grief and loss one of the hardest layers of it all and lessons to learn is letting go. Not only letting go but how, when and what to let go. Also how to untangle the messy web of letting go and all that seem so intertwined together. Before I continue this part please hear my heart and my words carefully and know the following t things. Believe you me I know better than most nothing about this is simple or easy. I also know that I as well am learning this lesson and all that I have written on and have included has come right out of my own journey. I’m only sharing what I’ve discovered for myself as I keep traveling my own journey and working through the process of my own grief and loss. I don’t have all the answers, but I do know what I have learned and discovered for myself.  When defining and thinking on the idea of letting go I’m sure if you have kids of a certain age what could be coming to mind are images of Elsa in the movie Frozen singing ‘Let it Go’. The movie may be onto something but I digress and may revisit that later. Letting go can mean or be defined as a releasing of or being free from something. This can bring to mind a few different images one being a release of a balloon into the air, or like feathers slowly lifting into the air. It could be gently pushing off something to release in the water as it floats away or any other number of things that could represent what it is to release or let go.  As I continue to travel my own journey I have had some, what I now call firework / aha moments or epiphanies that have had a profound immense impact on me, my life and how I continue to navigate and travel my own journey through this season of grief and loss. First came in late December 0f 2019 and it has been instrumental in all I do, my work and how to navigate my journey. The short story is that  it was the idea of a tree and being able to thrive but yet stay rooted in what I was rooted in. Then more recently I’ve started to give myself time to step back to take time to work on myself, processing my grief, and start the healing process and work through all of this for myself. It was on the most recent instance of doing this I had my second firework epiphany that equaled the impact of the first one in 2019 with the tree and thriving on me, my life and my journey.  This one involved the thought process of letting go and realization of there being a difference in what we let go of and how to untangle what seems permanently intertwined to the point of being irreversibly interwoven. Also the importance of doing so because of how it can impact us and our journey. Equally what this may mean for us in life depending on if we choose to learn how to start letting go of what is not serving us well in how we navigate through grief and loss. In exploring this thought process and having the new realization for me was immensely and profoundly freeing and healing.  During this self imposed and needed pause on life to take time for myself I had many, many thoughts and realizations related to letting go. I have found them to be vital and instrumental for me as I will continue to navigate and travel my journey. I want to share them with you so that as you continue to navigate this season and travel your own journey as well you can be equipped and empowered and experience the same sense of being freed and healing as I have. First, I think it is important to say at this point that what we know intellectually or logically and what we feel or experience emotionally do not often match up. In other words our head knowledge and heart knowledge aren’t the same and how each often doesn’t happen at the same time or catch up to each other at the same time. Secondly, you can’t know what you don’t know or practically realize it. On this grief journey I think we each need to have time, space and patience and give much grace with the process and ourselves and will come into new knowledge, understanding when our minds and hearts are able to be open to taking it in and receiving in the timing that is right for each of us on our own journeys.  Here is what I have learned, now know and realized thus far in my own journey as it relates to learning to let go. We each have to find our own path and way of traveling this journey but maybe you can discover and get some takeaways from what I share  to help you navigate your own journey. The first part of the letting go process for me is realizing there are differences to the layers of letting go. Meaning that in getting to the point of wanting to let go of the sadness, loss, grief, darkness and weight of

The First Year of Grief Let’s have a truthful and honest conversation about the first year going through loss and grief. There are several things I learned and discovered when I went through the first year of my grief following the loss of my beloved husband. These are the things that I found to be true. The first year of grief is all about the following: getting your head on straight and keeping your head above water. It’s about trying to figure out what just happened, trying to figure out what’s next and how do I do this now. It’s about surviving and making it work in what seems to be the most impossible now new reality. It’s about accepting this new unwanted reality of your new normal and living without your person. It’s about trying not to lose your mind or your sht. It’s about learning how to live your life now. It’s about the hard days that will come with every first and last milestone that will be covered in this year. It’s about learning what you need and what will work for you as you travel this journey. It’s about realizing the blanket statement of ‘I’ve never done this before’ applies to everything. It’s about getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. It’s getting used to and learning how to breathe again. It’s learning how to be where you never ever thought you would be or wanted to be. It’s learning to be comfortable with this new existence of and /both. It’s never ever again just one thing or one emotion that is attached to things in your existence, life, and reality. It’s learning to be okay with not being okay and knowing it’s okay to not be okay. It’s getting comfortable with the messy, complicated, complex, and the entanglements. It’s coming to terms with your new normal.  Other things that I discovered in my first year of grief are about just surviving and getting your bearings.Your first year is very much you being on autopilot. You may feel numb and be in shock for most of this year. I saw it as a protection of myself until I was able and had the mental and emotional space, ability, and capacity to go through the deep, intense, profound, immense ocean of your grief. Having this protection from the numbness, shock, and being on autopilot allows us to get back on our feet enough to at least be standing so we can start the process of learning  how to do all this and take it on. In the first years I learned real quick the absolute, not up for discussion, need for self care. You and I must be and learn to be kind and patient with ourselves. We need to learn to give and have grace for ourselves. This is about how slow and steady gets us through our process and journey. It’s having the foundation you need to have to allow you the ability to build all else that is to come after on this foundation.  The first year of grief is also about realizing there is no magic ribbon that tears in two as you cross the finish line in celebration of the fact that you made it and won the race. Grief is a marathon that spans the distance of your time left on earth as you learn to run your new race and live your new life, and you learn to live again. Unfortunately, our process of grief doesn’t stop when the first year ends. It’s a continual part that is now woven into the fabric of our life’s tapestry. While it becomes a part of your story as it writes itself on to the pages of your life, that doesn’t mean it has been your ending or that your story ends with you grief. Moreover it doesn’t have to define you and be the one thing that you become now. The first year is very much about finding your way back again to you so  that you can go from not just surviving but thriving in your life again as you continue to travel your journey in life. .

We are Wells Filled Abundantly In life it can seem at times like it’s nothing but complete and utter chaos all around. Chaos can create much confusion. We all have experienced this in life. Regular everyday life can be very much like this. When we are traveling through loss and grief it seems to add endless layers and facets to the element of confusion and chaos in our lives. The chaos and confusion that comes from grief and loss just complicates, amplifies, intensifies and exasperates everything and touches all areas of our lives. Nothing is left unimpacted or untouched by the effects of grief and loss. Grief can create immense and profound confusion in our mindset and just discombobulate so much in our lives. Grief often is the source and creator of countless and endless questions that consume our thoughts. Finding a way to be free from chaos and  achieve clarity and peace of mind on the journey of grief and loss can be most challenging for us. In grief the antidote to confusion is found in clarity. Likewise the antidote to chaos is found in care.  As you read this, you may be wondering how I can ever have clarity and care after loss or grief. I will confess that it is a process, a struggle, and a hard journey. If we want to find our way out of the confusion and chaos and we know what the antidote is to them. We must seek out clarity and care and ways or opportunities to have and receive the clarity and care we so desperately seek and need. I do want to submit a disclaimer in life and more so in grief there will be some things we will never control, can’t understand, have answers to, or gain clarity on. That being said though, we can work toward having clarity and care in the areas that are within our control. We can understand and seek the answers that can be found so that we can have clarity in this journey.  For me and my point of view, the key that can unlock having clarity, freedom from chaos, and also allows for a good healthy, positive, and abundant mindset is the idea of care and more importantly self care. Stay with me here through this chapter and I will show how this all connects. I definitely will be taking some time here to really dive deep into this key of Finding Grace Through Grief. I can share with you my own experience and what I’ve learned along the way.  I dare to have a moment of confession here. I was for the longest time in my own journey not the best at self care. I often felt I truly didn’t have time to take care of myself. This was when I was in New Hampshire married to my beloved, and we were both in grad school. John had his military career and duties. When I started grad school in 2011 we had an 8 month daughter and in the five years time of my grad school we had a son in 2013. By the time I was done with my graduate work our babies were six and three.  That may not seem like a lot, but here are some things to keep in mind regarding that. First of all, we were 26 hours away from most of our family and friends. I live my life with a disability of legal blindness. What that looks like in reality daily is that I don’t drive, not a good idea when legally blind. The other main impact is that it takes way longer to do everything.  Keep in mind I don’t work outside the home, but when I was done with my graduate work I got 30 to 50 hours back in my week that was solely taken up by graduate work. I didn’t have readers to help with the workload of my graduate program as I was accustomed to as I had one previously in other school programs. All I did between April of 2011 and May of 2016 was run our household, take care of our babies, school, school, and more school and be with John. As much as this may not be something one should admit there were weeks that I barely got to shower.  My point to all is that early in my life in a different busy season, particularly as a new mom, I didn’t take or make the time for selfcare. I can tell you also during that time I was always completely overloaded, frazzled, stretched thin, stressed, overwhelmed, and continually risking running on empty. I was always juggling beyond way too much and worried I was dropping one of the essential balls in my juggling act and life. Fast forward to 2017 and the last five plus years since the loss of my beloved and traveling through grief, solo parenting, and carrying the beyond immensely overwhelming physical and mental load of everything now in this journey. Without a doubt I have learned that on this journey of grief and loss that making and taking time for self care is fundamental and essential to not drowning. Self care can make all the difference and take you from surviving to thriving in this journey of grief and loss.  When looking at or considering the idea of self care there is so much surrounding this topic and what goes into it. First, we should understand how to see ourselves relate to this topic. Think of a well that’s filled with good, nourishing cool water ready to be given to any who comes who is thirty and seeking water to replenish and quench their thirst. A well can only do this if it has something to give and offer. A well can not serve this purpose if it is found empty and dried up and thus rendered useless.  What good is a dry well to those who are thirsty and

The Cycle of Grief and Loss Yes, there are multiple and immense layers , facets, stages and phases of our grief. Yes, there is a cycle which you and I will go through in our grief and loss. There are certain emotions or stages we will experience in our grief. However, while these things are very much true there are other things to take into consideration as you and I go through and work through your grief as we continue to travel on our journey.  Just because it has been said there are five stages of grief that is not to say that there are not more components to grief or your grief. This is not a checklist to go down, check the box “done”, and brush your hands off as if to say okay good that’s done. It would be nice if it was that simple and easy as if we were checking off our to-do list, but, unfortunately, it’s not that easy. Oh how I wish it was, though. The process and cycle of grief is fluid, messy, and complex. It’s not linear or a one and done thing. Sometimes it can feel like a boomerang that comes back and snaps you right back into the depths and midst of the profound and immense emotional waves of the storm of your grief.  You may go through each stage more than once. Your experience with each stage may be or look different for you than for someone else. Moreover you may feel as if you may not really go through certain stages. You may feel that one of these five things are harder or more profound in your process than others. It can or may feel as if you are going through the grief cycle as if It’s on wash, rinse, and repeat and then repeat and then repeat and repeat continuously. Although, this is nothing that you want to keep washing, rinsing, and repeating. Whatever this process is for you to go through the cycle of grief, that is okay. There is no wrong way to go through your grief any more than there is just one right way to travel through your grief. It’s yours and yours alone to go through. As long as you keep continuing and going through it and working to find your way back, then you are doing it right. 

Myths About Grief and Loss