Take a Breath, Take s Sip & Go….
My House of Cards In My Journey Through Motherhood
Growing up, I saw people try the challenge of building a house made of cards. I always wondered about what made it possible. how did it work? How was it able to stand? What would cause it to fall. I never quite got the hang of it growing up, but I found it to be all so curious and intriguing. Looking at a house of cards one minute it seemed to be falling, falling, falling; but, oh wait, no, it was steady, steady; but then, oh no! It would finally come tumbling down into a pile of cards waiting to be built again. As I started my journey as a mommy with the birth of my daughter in 2010, I felt like I was constructing my own house of cards of motherhood and parenting. I remember having moments throughout my days of complete panic, fear, anxiety, or worry. I felt like I was falling just as a house built from cards, and I wanted to be and feel steady in my ability as a new mommy. Then, other moments or days, and sometimes in the same day moments apart, I would have moments of feeling rock steady and like my house of cards of motherhood would stand on a firm foundation of my ability.
In those early moments of my journey as a new mommy, I found myself wondering a few things. I asked, “Why, from moment to moment or day to day, would I feel as if I was falling, and then I would feel steady. I wondered what caused me to feel one way or another; either fragile, unsteady or solid and confident. While I journeyed as a mommy, I pondered how could I build the type of house of cards in motherhood that I wanted as a mommy, for my daughter and my family. I wanted my house of cards in my motherhood to be one of strength, steadfast and confident in my ability. I wanted to keep from being fragile, unsteady, and falling in my ability as I journeyed through my motherhood. The answers I was seeking and at first seemed to struggle to find, but they came along easily enough in time as I traveled on and gained knowledge, experience, and my life lessons in motherhood.
The first question of why that from moment to moment or day to day, I would feel either as if I was falling or standing strong was dealt with as I discovered some answers. In time would come solutions. One of these answers was, “Oh yeah! Remember, you’re still dealing with crazy insane hormones.” I mean, I did just give birth. Also, another explanation was it was a result of being new to this motherhood thing and trying to figure me out, my body, my new precious baby girl, this thing called motherhood, and having no experience at all. Thus, this had a direct impact on me, causing me to feel so different and in opposites ends of the spectrum of motherhood. In part it was the hormones which influenced my mood and thinking. A larger piece to the question was that in all things in motherhood I was learning the lay of the land and swimming in new, unfamiliar, and uncharted waters. I had moments of feeling confident, firmly planted, and rock steady. Then there were the things and areas where I was sinking or continually bumping them into blindly or had less experience. Those made me feel moments of, “What if I make mistakes, don’t get it right, or fail my daughter and in motherhood?” The answer to the final question came to me as I journeyed on; realizing, understanding, and choosing what kind of mother I wanted to be and wanted for my daughter to have as she was growing up. These were things like love, kindness, safety and safe environment to grow and learn in, consistency, strength, confidence, and independence, among other essential cards to be used in the creation of a strong, firm, and steady foundation for my house of cards of motherhood to be built upon for my daughter and family.
Once I had chosen the style or design for the house of cards of motherhood I wanted to build for my daughter, as I journeyed along I had to figure out and answer the question of how I would construct such house of cards of motherhood. The answer to this question and the solution of achieving this came through a few things that I learned, experienced, and saw in my journey. I saw that with every moment that I got something right, I came out standing stronger and more firmly each time. For myself, this was to be found in moments such as: when I provided excellent and healthy food, was able to fix things, solve problems, comfort my daughter, successfully help her reach and achieve milestones or learn things. Through enduring, surviving, and persevering in moments of falling and feeling I had failed, I came out still strong and standing firm. Having these moments, I slowly but surely gained experience, knowledge, ability, and confidence, therefore allowing me to work on building a strong, firm, and confident house of cards in my motherhood.
Moreover, these moments gave me tools, affirmation, strength, and confidence to remind myself of the good and positive affirming lessons I had learned. Also, this gave me things I could rely on during the moments I experienced feelings of utter frailty, unsteadiness, and failure. Furthermore, each day, these moments where I stood steady and firm led me to other and more frequent moments of feeling steadfast. These moments I used and still use in my journey as I strive to build a strong house of cards of my motherhood. A key to building such a foundation and house of motherhood was understanding, learning how to find and keep the balance that allowed me to find strength and steadiness on my journey of motherhood, thus providing a secure house of cards of motherhood for my daughter and family.
That is not to say that I didn’t and still don’t have moments or days in my journey where I feel fragile, unsteady, or uneasy and wonder what the heck am I doing. Moments when I was and am tired, frustrated, cranky from lack of sleep, lose my temper or patience, am short with my daughter. I forget things, feel like nothing is working, nothing is going right, or any other myriad of things that cause me to feel I have fallen, failed, or am unsteady. During those moments and days, I would and do try to remember that my journey through motherhood is a work in progress. It’s a process, and I and all of us as mommies are all on this journey with our babies. I do my utmost and very best as I journey on and strive to do better. We all need to remember that each day is a new day and opportunity to try to keep building the firm foundation of the house of cards in each of our journeys through motherhood. It is true in my journey with my daughter and family. May we, as mothers who are traveling this journey of motherhood, remember to take a sip, take a breath, and go, find the balance. May we also strive to build our own houses of cards in our motherhood of strength, love, trust, patience, safety, independence, steadiness, confidence, and steadfastness for ourselves, our babies, and families.
Take a Sip, Take a Breath, and Go…..
I know you must be thinking, “Wait. Take a sip, sit, rest, put your feet up, relax, take a breath? She could not have possibly meant that. I must have heard her wrong. That can’t be what she said.” No, ladies, you didn’t listen to me wrong or misunderstand me. It’s precisely what I meant and said. You must be thinking, “Wait, how is what she’s saying even possible in motherhood?” You must be wondering and asking yourself, “Does this woman even understand motherhood, a day in the life of a mother, and all that mothers do?” Consider that after becoming a mommy, and until my daughter was eight months old, I stilled worked part-time at night and on the weekends until I started my graduate work online. Additionally, during all this, my husband was in the military, and he was also a student, at the time undergraduate. (He would go on to a Master’s degree.)
Topping all of this off, I am a mother who is visually impaired/legally blind. Furthermore, let’s throw into the mix the fact that my husband and I live 26 hours away from our family and friends. In my, thus far, nine-year journey as a mother, I only completed my graduate work in June of 2016. So that meant practically starting my journey as a mom, I also started my journey as a graduate student and did graduate work for almost the first six years as a mommy. All the while, like most mamas, I did all this work while still attempting to keep a clean house and home for my family. Trust me, I get it and fully understand, ladies, what it is to be a mommy and is involved in a day of the life of motherhood.
My days, while looking not much different from most days of moms, particularly for a stay-at-home moms, more times than not involved a diverse variety of things that were on my endless mommy to-do list. Involved in this would be things like doing the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, play dates, driving kids back and forth to and from places, laundry, maybe a career too, bath time, dinner time, homework, dishes, appointments, and any other extensive list of a multitude of things that get crammed into a day in the life of mothers. My days up until Summer of 2016 were much of the same as described, but it involved no driving anywhere. I was entirely at home with my baby girl, due to my limitations involving my disability. The only exception to this is if I went out with my husband or we went as a family, if I was with a friend, or doing homework during nap time and bedtime and every Saturday possible perched at Panera’s, and a majority of what is listed. During this time it was typical and frequent for me to experience and feel that I was always behind the curve, struggling and trying to stay on top of all the curve balls being thrown or having to juggle this crazy mix. I always felt tired, trying to catch my breath, missing something or lacking in getting family time in, housework done or homework done, and feeling tattered from being pulled in all these directions. I know this is very much a reality for most moms, and we all experience this and get it completely. I’m not saying I was or am the only one, but I just somehow felt I had, more times than not, a triple dose of this, if not more. The idea or notion of sitting, resting, putting my feet up, taking a sip of anything, relaxing, and breathing was, to me, foreign. If someone had told or asked me to do that, I would have had a blank stare on my face and would have said “I don’t understand. You want me to do what, again?” It felt as if that was a complete and utter impossibility. Even if I could or if I did, I would have felt guilty and like I should be doing something constantly, all the time, non-stop.
I know for me when I am in this constant state of pressure, in a place in my life of not being able to catch up, constantly being behind the curve, always tired, trying to catch my breath, missing something, going 90 to nothing is not good or positive for me or anybody in my life. If I feel as if I’m lacking in getting family time in, housework done or homework done, and I can’t sit, relax, put my feet up, take a sip, or breathe, then I feel out of control, stressed, frazzled, out of sorts, and overwhelmed with my feathers completely ruffled. Throughout this part of my journey as a mommy, I found ways of lessening and dwindling these thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. I was able to work and do this through finding my way of allowing myself to take that moment to sit, relax, put my feet up, stop to breathe, and take a sip, without punishing myself or feeling guilty. You might be asking yourself how I did that and came to this point in my journey, which are both excellent questions worth asking and considering.
First things first. I realized I had to get steady, un-frazzled, in control, find my center and balance, and de-stress for the simple purpose of my sanity, well-being, and survival. Furthermore, it’s true that when mama is happy, everyone is happy. In this case, sane. When mama, or at least this mama, can stop, breathe, and take a break from the life of crazy days of motherhood, things go better and smoother for everyone. Also, I figured out a little secret, although not easily: 90%, if not more, of stuff will still be here.. It isn’t going anywhere and will be waiting for me and you to attend to once we have returned from our moment of rest, relaxation, and rejuvenation. Truly, it’s okay, really. Although it feels like it, the world will not come crashing down to a speedy halt if whatever is needed isn’t attended to this very instant because you or I say, “Hold it, it can wait.” It’s not always as easily done as said for those of us who are a little OCD, perfectionist, and type A personalities. Trust me, I know because I’m one of them, for better or worse.
Here’s something else to think about for us mommies, the order in which we should address and handle things: J.O.Y. – Jesus, Others, and You. While this is very true, no disagreement here, I think the problem comes in when often as mothers and women we are always doing, going, and giving nonstop to and for others. Moreover, if we aren’t doing that, then we feel guilty. No doubt our babies and families do and should come first, but if that is all we ever do we will become burned out, run down, empty with nothing else left to give, useless, and of no help to our families or anyone. We, as women and mommies, must accept the fact that it’s okay to slow down, stop for a moment, and take a break to sit, relax, put our feet up, take a sip, and breathe. We should not ever punish ourselves or feel guilty in doing this, for we are actually doing ourselves, our babies, and our families a service. In allowing ourselves to rejuvenate, refuel, and replenish, we are able to be the givers, caretakers, mothers, and wives, and all the other roles and shoes we have to fill as women and mothers. In allowing ourselves to do these things for ourselves, we can be and give the best of our abilities, our absolute very best of us, and love to those who we treasure, cherish, hold so dear, and who are our whole heart, lives, and world.
We as mothers all have to find our own way of finding what it is that will allow us to stop and be able to rejuvenate, refuel, and replenish and where we can see that for ourselves. It can be anything and everything: a date night, a hobby like reading, quilting, gardening, or any other number of things, time with a girlfriend for coffee, shopping, an activity of any kind, exercise of any type, and any other of a multitude of things that can offer us, as an individual mommy, a chance to replenish. The reason for this is our sanity and survival, and is for our babies and families. Personally, I have found my own way of doing this through several different avenues, channels, or outlets. I find this in my writing and journaling. It can be achieved by staying connected with my friends, either with girl time or talking on the phone with those who live far away. I also find this in reading, date nights, or time with my husband. I also can achieve this by working out, Shutterfly.com, or any of my other projects related to family memories or scrapbooking. I also enjoy playing card games and getting away to Panera’s from time to time, and although seasonal, I absolutely love swimming or anything in the water. These are the things that work for me, my interests, passions, my unique journey, and life.
As we are all individual mommies who are traveling on our own journey as mothers with our individual babies as well, we all must find our own unique thing or things that speak to us, allowing us to be free to stop, slow down to sit, relax, put our feet up, take a sip, breath, and go forward stronger, saner, and balanced in our journey as mothers who love their babies and families. As mommies journeying together through this book, remember that we are all individuals on our unique and special journeys. I’m merely sharing and giving you a front seat to my feelings, thoughts, memories, experiences, and life lessons along my journey as a mother. Along our journey as mommies, may we all strive to give ourselves moments to take a sip, sit, rest, relax, rejuvenate, breathe, and go forward as we steady ourselves and our houses of cards in motherhood by becoming more balanced, stronger, steadfast, saner, and building our own house of cards of motherhood in strength, love, trust, safety, independence, confidence, and steadfastness for ourselves, children, and families. I urge all mothers to take a sip, sit, relax, breathe, and go forward in your journey of motherhood steadfast and strong.